This is for all the gals who, like me were raised to be a 'Good Girl'. Most of us, raised in the bible belt were taught that Good Girls don't like sex. Then you find a good man & have a good relationship & suddenly you were expected to love sex! Like me, maybe you expected that your man would somehow get you there. Instead, like me, you probably ended up deciding sex just isn't for you. Just as your parents predicted, you grew up to dislike sex. Because you really are a Good Girl, deep down.
If that sounds familiar, please read on. You were sold a bill of goods in childhood that is a complete LIE. Sorry! Also, if you are raising children PLEASE just stop feeding them that bill of goods. You are ruining your kids lives forever, boys and girls alike. Come on, being good shouldn't feel so bad!!
Let me start by saying taking charge of sex is a woman's job, right, and privilege. Because having a good sex life is all about pleasing YOU. If you like sex, your man will be very happy. If you spend your time pleasing him, or if you get bored or burned out you will grow to hate sex & simply give up sex. Your man will NOT be happy. Women can, and often DO dial down or completely turn OFF their sex drive. Men simply can't. So the KEY to everything I'm about to say is focusing on YOU.
To take charge of your sex life you simply have to do two things:
A. Turn yourself on
B. Seduce your man
Because we were raised to NOT do those two things, there's going to be a bit of trial and error involved in figuring out how to do those two things. But its going to be FUN to figure it out and VERY EMPOWERING too!
Turn Yourself On
The basic keys to turning yourself on are:
For me, Plan Ahead means setting a date and time about a week in advance. You may not need to plan that far ahead. And even I needed less and less plan time as the process became more familiar. Still you are going to want at least 2 days of advance planning as an absolute MUST. Partly, this is to allow time to Build Anticipation. Partly its to get your self Feeling Sexy, which may involve a manicure, pedicure, new outfit, week of toning at the gym, shaving your legs, etc.
In general its simply because women warm up s-l-o-w-l-y and if you feel rushed that will suck all the fun out of it. So most importantly: DON'T let anyone or anything rush you, or it may begin to feel like work instead of fun.
Building Anticipation starts as soon and you put the date on your calendar. So, yes, write it on the calendar and treat it like a big DATE NIGHT. Before I give suggestions about how to Build Anticipation, let me say a word about Your Man. Your man does NOT need much warm up time. In general, men tend to get really excited about spontaneous sexual surprises! Also, if they let anticipation build too much they are likely to get anxious, get irritable, get so turned on that they blow it in like 10 seconds, or masturbate too much and have nothing left for the Big Date. So while you need to plan and mark out the date on the calendar, he doesn't.
At best he needs 1-2 days notice that something involving the two of you is planned. And only maybe an hours notice at the outside (30 seconds on the inside) that it is sex. That means you should keep it a secret. It also means you will have to take charge and plan for Him. Make sure its planned for a day & time he will be at home and showered. That's all. Don't bother making sure he's not busy. I mean, lets say he's in the middle of changing a fuse or putting away socks when you suddenly interrupt him with some sex. Right? Where's the bad? And if he's in the middle of a show or a game...you know, just tell him you have a surprise for him when its over & he should come in the bedroom and get naked. See how that's also a good thing for a guy?
Ok enough about him, now – Back To YOU!
Here are some ways to Build Anticipation: Fantasize!! Daydream about it. Script it out in your mind. Read romantic/erotic stories, watch romantic/erotic movies or video clips, cruise the internet looking for pictures and videos that turn YOU on. Make a secret board on Pinterest ( https://www.pinterest.com/ClearMirror/ ) of these pix.
Keep a couple things in mind: First and foremost its absolutely NO ONE's business what turns you on or why. Don't even ask yourself why! Don't tell anyone. And above all NEVER tell yourself that any of your turn-ons are weird or wrong or gross. What you like is simply sexy. There is no logic to it. It doesn't matter. No one cares. There are NO thought police. And what other people think of you is NONE of your business. (also see: Sexual Healing )
The other thing to keep in mind is: porn. Lots of men like porn & I'm NOT the kind of person who has any problem with porn. Still, porn doesn't really do anything for me. I'm pretty sure porn doesn't do much for a lot women except turn their men on. I have heard of porn movies made for women by women & I hear its awesome. But I've never been able to locate any of that, so for all I know its a myth. I do know that the old standard romance novels are basically porn for women, so you can mark the juicy parts and read those. And, hey, maybe you like porn, or if you've never watched any maybe you will. So, give it a try and you know, don't tell me about it. Because like I said, no one cares and its NOT my business.
Another way to Build Anticipation: Touch!
It doesn't even have to be sexual touch. It just has to be kind, warm, friendly touch, and plenty of it. So, get a massage, hug all your friends and co-workers if you can, cuddle dogs, snuggle cats, nuzzle babies & tickle the tummies of turtles. You can even touch objects – stroke statues, run your finger over the lines of a car, rub textures, plunge your hand into bags of dried beans, squeeze sponges, crack ice on cold mornings, splash in puddles, knead dough, separate eggs with your fingers.
And, of course touch yourself – everyday. Rub oil or lotion all over your body after a shower. Massage your feet after a long day. Brush your hair, run your fingers through it. Pet yourself. Handle yourself lovingly. Masturbate too. Only its a good idea to avoid the big 'O' a few days before the Big Date just to build anticipation. The funny thing about masturbation is that if you're not doing it much, you really should. Masturbation builds up sex drive. People think of it as a release for sex drive, and it is, but its also a drive builder.
Making a plan for seducing your man can help Build Anticipation too. More on that later.
This is probably the most important step. Women generally feel turned on when they feel sexy. So focusing on YOU is what gets you there. This step means getting yourself all dolled up. Put on a special outfit (all the way down to lingerie – whatever makes you feel good about you.) Tone & firm, smooth & soften, gloss and gleam, glitz and glamorize. Keep in mind that you are dressing for YOU! So go for what makes you feel hot & sexy, not necessarily what your man or your friends like and NOT anything that makes you feel awkward. And don't let how you feel about yourself depend on how much Your Man appreciates your efforts. Chances are he won't actually notice. That's ok, because all the blood will be draining away from his brain. He will only notice that you're SEXY!
Keep a couple things in mind: Sexy is NOT perfect. Sexy is not flawless, or model thin, or even necessarily pretty. Sexy is simply a superpower. That's exactly why focusing on YOU matters so much here. When you feel confident you ARE sexy! So find reasons to feel confident and good about your body. Sure, do a few crunches, cut a few calories, but for heaven's sake DO NOT wait until you lose 20lbs! One fun thing to do is to pose in the mirror showing your sexiest side in the sexiest light, then take a selfie. Put it on your secret Pinterest board. Or just hold that image in your mind. The point is to hold on to a version of yourself that you feel good about because it is your brain, your attitude that makes you sexy, not your size or shape or anything like that.
Now, when you're getting sexy for the Big Date, remember to DANCE. Play the sexiest, sultriest music YOU can think of and dance your sexiest, slinkiest moves. I love to blast sexy tunes in the car & dance in the driver’s seat on my way to a date! Makes me feel invincible!
Think of What YOU Like in Bed
I'm sure your man has some moves. I'm sure you love your man. And I'm equally sure that some of your man's favorite moves have gotten old and tired. As I've said at #3, sexy can be many, many things. However, old and tired is not sexy. Ever. So, this is where you come up with moves for YOU. Think of your favorite position. Even if you HATE positions, (*yawn*) there's bound to be one particular position that just rubs you the RIGHT way (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Now think of HOW and WHERE you particularly like to be touched.
The FUN part here is, you're about to have it YOUR way! That's because YOU are about to take the bull by the ..er, horn, sit in the ..em, drivers seat, wrap that man around your little finger and put it exactly where YOU need it most. So if you haven't thought of exactly where your buttons are and how you like them pushed before? Go to Barnes & Nobel. They have a whole section of 'How to' books that spell out a bunch of different ideas for you to think about. Its the 'Sexuality' section and you can look it up on the computer map if you don't want to ask. Then plant yourself there and read. (And remember: no body cares why you're there and its nobody's business anyway. Wear a disguise if you really feel awkward.)
One of the parts I like best about Taking Charge is you get what you like without having to tell anyone about it and without barking out orders when you want to just let your eyes roll back in your head. You don't even have to tell your man because you are simply going to rub your sexy buttons right up against your man with just that gentle feather touch or any other kind of pressure sexy YOU requires. But if you do find something you really like, there’s certainly no harm in putting it into words for the poor guy, once you catch your breath a little. Or, if that's not your thing, you can just make watching & learning part of The Rules.
Seduce Your Man
This is the last part because its the easiest part and because it is actually the last part. Most men don't require too much seduction. What they do require is directness. This is especially true if you've never been the one to Take Charge, or if things have been a little slow lately, or if the things you usually do have grown old and tired. And, of course, one or all of those are probably the very reasons you are motivated to Take Charge. So here it is, the simple steps for seducing your man:
That's pretty much it.
– for his time and attention. This is the point at which you let him know he's about to be made love to. Asking him can take many different forms so just make sure YOU are comfortable saying it and HE understands that you are talking about SEX. So it can be simple and without any big words like, “I have a surprise for you. Can you come in here and take off your clothes?” or “I've learned something new. Can you work with me?” or “I need to show you something.” Asking him to undress is going to be a clear signal that he's in for sex, unless he's an engineer or an orthodontist – then you might need to be more clear and direct. Like, “I want to have sex but I'm going to take charge, ok?”
Naturally, once you've Taken Charge the first time its going to be easier and easier to ask & get your message across. Then you can quite possibly step in front of the TV with a special smile or a special outfit and say any number of things and he will probably strip naked and follow your every instruction. But, until that day has arrived standing in front of him looking sexy and smiling only to have him crane his neck to look around you or shout for you to move is a genuine risk. And that's a real buzz kill. So be clear and be direct and say 'naked' or 'sex' or whatever it takes and move on to step two as quickly as possible. Its also important to plan around his normal routine or give him advance warning so that if there's a big game on or something, he doesn't end up bursting your balloon and making things worse.
– the rules of your little game. All good games have rules and this is a VERY good game. So the second thing you need to do is lay down the rules. This is important for a couple of reasons. The first reason is – it puts YOU firmly in charge. If you are not firmly in charge he may end up busting his old and tired moves and thinking you like it. Or he may simply blow your plan & that can be frustrating. The other reason you need to establish the rules is simply – its amazingly empowering and sexy! Its also MUCH easier to demonstrate what YOU want than it is to describe what you think you would like if only it were done exactly right. And much more fun to test drive some things that please you without interference than to say, “Stop” or “Ouch” when he thinks he's helping.
The Rules that I like best sound like this, “I need to stay in the drivers seat. You are welcomed to touch me, but don't redirect me.” You can also say, “I have a plan. All you need to do is ______.” Its also fun to say, “I want you to just lie there and let me please you. If you can make some yummy noises when I get it right that would help.” Because it really DOES help to hear some encouraging sounds or words and because who on earth is going to break the rules when you hear, “Just lie there and let me please you.” Am I right? Besides, men RARELY get the chance to lie there and enjoy pleasure. They usually feel expected to perform. And that can be a drag. So if you start off saying “Just you lie there.” you can spend the rest of the time rubbing yourself on him in ways that make YOU hot – he's still going to feel mighty special. And that's just what you want to do!
So step three is all about the action. You will want to have this planned out in advance and you can do that with the books at Barnes & Nobel or any of the Anticipation Builders that seem like fun. Keep in mind your MAIN goal is to get YOURSELF hot and juicy & excited. If that sounds wrong or selfish – DON'T let it! There is absolutely NOTHING that turns a man on more than a woman who is hot, juicy and excited...and wants Him. This is really the KEY to improving your whole sex life right here. You need to repeat it to yourself like a mantra until you never question it again, “My pleasure IS his pleasure.” “If I like sex – he will like it.” And that right there is the absolute truth. Engrave it on your very soul.
Here's one suggestion. I invented something I call Erotic Thai Massage. I've never had a Thai massage but I had heard that they use various body parts, and not just their hands to give a massage. So I thought that sounded like sexy fun. All you have to do is a basic massage but rub all your favorite parts of you against all your favorite parts of him, leaving no part of him untouched. Massage is pretty easy to learn by looking at an illustrated massage book. You can learn even more by getting a good massage and paying attention to all the parts that make you go “Ahhhh” while eliminating the parts that make you go “Oh!”. Then get your breasts and thighs and lips and even your little pink tongue in on the action. Rubbing your whole body against him with only a little oil or lotion between you is a fabulous thing. And you can do it for however long YOU like because you are Taking Charge.
If you have an hour and want to warm yourself up slowly, start with him lying face down. Begin at his feet and end at his head. (A gentle scalp massage makes everyone sigh & its really just rubbing the head all over with your finger tips.) Then ask him to roll over and go from his head down to his waist (leaning over his head to rub his chest is a very provocative move & he's likely to break some rules if you do. But I promise you won't want to stop him.) Then walk back to his feet and work your way up. You can end by climbing on and mounting him like the Amazon Cowgirl you are, or you can end with squeezing his manhood between your thighs while you reach climax, or you can end with a hand job or a blow job. The thing is – end the way YOU feel like ending at that moment. Because, once again, if YOU don't like sex, neither will he. If you don't have enjoy Taking Charge, you might not try it again. AND if YOU climax first, you're going to want more...but if he does, he won't. Don't waste your time on a performance. Do it for YOU.
A) Sexy music is a MUST if you are Taking Charge. If you do the Erotic Thai, pick something with a sort of steady beat. The beat makes it easier to keep the massage moving to a rhythm and if you do something awkward its easy to find your rhythm again & move past that awkward moment. I find anything by Santana or Bebel Giberto (or any Brazilian female vocalist) is perfect. But, again, the music is also ALL ABOUT YOU. Pick some tunes that make you feel like a sex goddess & you can't go wrong.
B) Believe it or not even blow jobs can be a lot of erotic fun (yes! For YOU) if you Take Charge and remember the rules. I've found the first and most important rule of blow jobs is this – ONLY give a blow job when YOU are into it. The second, of course, is to cover your teeth with your lips. Third is -move at YOUR pace. Don't worry so much about his pace, he can do that for himself when you're out shopping.
Hand jobs are similar. I used to hate hand jobs because I couldn't get the rhythm right & it wasn't fun for anyone. Then I discovered that key to giving a good handjob is – find YOUR own rhythm. And do it when YOU want to, only. Of course music with a beat helps with finding that rhythm. Feeling hot and sexy makes you actually want to do it. Using the Erotic Thai to get YOU excited also makes a handjob seem fun. Playing with his junk in a casual way is a good way to make them more fun too. Like cupping his stuff just before falling asleep, or when giving him a hug, or just after sex when he's unlikely to get hard. Man stuff is actually kind of cute (don't let a man hear me say that! lol) and fun to play with and playing is fun. Lets face it, a woman is never going to have an orgasm giving a handjob or a blow job – but if you can make it FUN, its a real RUSH to see the power you have to make him weak or send him sky high. And feeling your own power IS really sexy!
I also found a book (YES! In the Sexuality section of B&N) by gay men and for straight women called something like “Advice from Gay Men to Straight Women” that gave some very creative tips on handjobs and blowjobs. Doing the same old thing over and over bores me to tears. And the truth is handjobs & blowjobs are a LOT of the same repetitive motion, right? So this book had pointers for using little swirly motions and other slight variations that keep it mildly interesting.
These are things we do for others. But I actually get a lot of pleasure from giving pleasure to someone I love. You probably will too. By having fun with it & putting a little swirl on an otherwise dull job, its actually easy to enjoying surprising a man with a blowjob or handjob. All forms of sex NEED to be about YOU having fun. Otherwise, what's the point? You do plenty of work already - sex is just for FUN!
C) Candles, rose petals, mood lighting, wine and just anything else that makes YOU feel sexy, happy, less shy, more empowered – is ALL GOOD. Do it! Do it all! But be sure that you do it for YOU. That's mainly because your man won't fully appreciate it. So make sure you appreciate the heck out of all your efforts. Your man likes YOU and he likes sex. You are about to deliver both, and that's all you can really expect a man to care about. Everything else is YOURS. Enjoy!
Let me just summarize by saying women really need to be In Charge of sex in a relationship. The main reason for this is that Women Are Sexy....and men just aren't. They're great & wonderfully easy to please, but... Let me say that again, because I think you weren't really listening: Women Are Sexy! You Taking Charge of the sex life really IS the proper order of things because YOU are the keeper of the sexiness flame. Men like the same thing over and over. Think about it! When men think of variety in sex they often just think of different women – but they still DO the same fool thing over and over. Insert tab A into slot B, same rhythm every time, and BOOM they're done. Men tend to think that EVERYTHING else...is “foreplay”. WHAT??? Everything else is EVERYTHING! Right?
Be honest, now. The first time your little virginal 'good girl' self had actual sex, what did you think of it? You probably thought some version of “Is that ALL?” I know I did. No, that's NOT all. That is simply all he's got. The rest, all the hot fun stuff you were hoping for all along? THAT, girlfriend, was locked between your own lovely ears, all along. YOU are the keeper of all the fun sexy secrets to life. So now your mission, should you choose to accept it is this: Let IT Out!
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